


A Sight Of A Soul When It's Breaking

by runnerfangirl



Category: The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blood and Injury, CoLS, Demons, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Insecurity, M/M, Major Character Injury, Making Up, Post-Book 5: City of Lost Souls, Post-Break Up, Russian Translation Available, Self-Doubt, Self-Hatred, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-29
Updated: 2017-09-29
Packaged: 2019-01-06 22:28:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12220242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/runnerfangirl/pseuds/runnerfangirl
Summary: Five months have passed since they had broken up in that subway tunnel, but Alec was still not over it. How could he? His heart ached more and more every passing day, and his eyes missed the sight of the warlock's beautiful face smiling happily at him. Alec didn't know how to deal with the emotional pain, other than repressing it with the help of physical one. So, he unconsciously opted for that way.At first he was reluctant about the idea; whenever he shot his arrows for hours without wearing his gloves, he would look at his bleeding fingers and for a second, he would think of what Magnus would have said to him for hurting himself. But slowly, the fact that Magnus didn't care about him anymore settled to his mind and whenever he returned from a hunt with his siblings, he found comfort in his wounds.Russian translation byadeilattavailablehere!





	A Sight Of A Soul When It's Breaking

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!
> 
> I actually wrote this fic months ago, but suddenly, I had the urge to publish it. I proofread this twice but there may still be some mistakes that I missed, so feel free to point them out in comments! And I really love reading all of your comments because they give me the courage to publish more frequently!
> 
> Please read the tags before you continue to read. This fic contains unintentional self-harm and some eating and sleeping disorders. If you don't feel comfortable with reading these topics, you can choose not to read. I wouldn't want to upset or offend anyone in any way.
> 
> Title from Shawn Mendes' song "Bad Reputation".

It had started with small things, hidden in between details, so no one was aware of the case. Not even Alec himself.

At first, he stopped wearing his full gear before he went to hunts with his siblings. Sometimes he wouldn’t wear his kneecaps, which would leave his knees bloody and full with cuts; or he wouldn’t bother to grab his gloves, which would lead bruises to appear on his fingers after using his bow for too long.

Then, he stopped carrying enough weapons on himself. When there was a demon for them to hunt, he would grab his bow and arrows along with just one short seraph blade before leaving the Institute. He was not doing it consciously, though.  _It will be fine_ , he would think. And if he would lose all of his weapons along the fight, or if the number of demons were more than they could handle,  _he would just find a way to deal with it._

Isabelle had actually yelled at him for not gearing up enough after a nasty hunt they had had. He apologized and blamed it on the fact that they had left the Institute in a rush. His sister seemed content with his answer then. She hugged her brother before punching him on the shoulder and calling him an idiot for scaring her to death. They have never mentioned it again.

After a while, Alec stopped using  _iratze_  for his wounds.

The first time he had forwent applying the rune was after he had cut himself accidently while training with knives. It wasn’t a deep cut; the knife had only grazed his arm. And when he sat in his room, cleaning the wound, Alec couldn’t see a reason to use an  _iratze_  for such a little thing.

Then, the number of healing runes he applied to himself started to decrease dramatically, but he just couldn’t bother himself with using it when the wounds or cuts weren’t life threatening and would heal in a few days by themselves. Plus, they were keeping Alec’s mind away from thinking of  _him_.

He wasn’t fully aware of the situation, though: He was opting for physical pain rather than suffering from their breakup. He was pushing the thoughts of a certain warlock far back into his mind, but they were slowly accumulating. All the pain, sadness, anger… They were piling up in his mind without his notice, only to lash out one day aggressively and tear him up into pieces.

And when it happened, Alec cried his eyes out into his pillow.

It was in the middle of the night. The time of day he hated the most, because the sleep would never come and there was nothing he could do to occupy his mind to keep the thoughts of  _him_  away. Alec was staring at his ceiling without an ounce of sleepiness in his body, while everyone in the Institute was asleep. His mind was too busy with thoughts running around to let sleep consume him, as always.

What different that night was actually Alec’s thoughts that kept drifting to the man with beautiful cat eyes and a loving smile.

Normally, he would rather to think about his siblings, his training, or the Institute, busying himself with these thoughts to pass the night. But tonight was different. After trying to keep his mind away from  _him_  for so long, tonight he couldn’t stop thinking about Magnus. Magnus’ eyes, Magnus’ hair, Magnus’ glitter, hands, magic… He was thinking about every single detail of him, trying to picture his face, which he had longed to see in front of his eyes.

It wasn’t helping, though.

It wasn’t helping Alec to subdue the emotions in his chest. Instead, it was enlarging the pain and heartbreak, making it unbearable.

Alec didn’t know how he was going to make it stop. It seemed impossible at the moment, because maybe it was. Maybe the pain would never decrease, never leave him. Maybe that was what he deserved. After hurting Magnus so much, maybe Alec deserved the heartbreak he was suffering.

The pain would make him remember his mistakes, that he was the one to blame for destroying their relationship, for crumbling Magnus’ trust in him, and for shattering the future they had together.

It was all his fault.

Alec didn’t notice the tears falling down his cheeks, damping his pillow; or his hands fisting the blanket in a tight grip, his knuckles turning white; or his breathing getting shallow and rapid, making it impossible for him to breathe. His mind was too busy replaying the day he dreaded over and over again.

_Aku cinta kamu._

He remembered that night like it was yesterday, every detail vivid in his mind; from the blinding white of his witchlight that casted shadows upon the walls, to the look of hurt and disappointment on Magnus’ face. He was the reason why the warlock looked so sad. It was all his fault.

_What does that mean?_

Magnus had done everything for him. He had helped Alec when it became too much and he just didn’t know what to do. He had taken him to travel all around the world, just so Alec would see the beauty and the wonders of it, just like he had. He was even willing to help with every problem Alec or any of his siblings had, and he wouldn’t even charge them for his services.

He was doing so much for Alec, but the Shadowhunter had ruined all of it by being selfish. By not listening Magnus when he had warned him about Camille, by even listening her and falling for her games.

It was all his fault, and Alec deserved the pain.

_It means I love you…_

When the sun started to rise and enlighten his room, the tracks of tears on his cheeks glistened under the sunlight. He was asleep and his hands were not in a tight grip like they used to be. When he woke up, he wouldn’t remember much about the night before and would assume that he had fallen asleep as he cried. While actually, he had blacked out from sleep deprivation and lack of oxygen.

He wouldn’t think about the night, the pain, or the memories. Instead, he would get up, get dressed, put up a blank face and leave his room for training. He would skip the breakfast unconsciously while trying to keep his mind off of a warlock, a subway tunnel, and a mistake.

_…Not that that changes anything._

 

Slowly, his siblings started to become aware of the carelessness in his acts. Alec skipping meals or not sleeping enough weren’t new to them; but day by day he was getting skinnier that anyone could easily see the bones under his skin, and the bags under his eyes were getting darker, as if he has not slept for decades.

But what scared Jace and Izzy the most was the look on his face. His eyes were staring blankly around him, like he was tired of everything and felt like he couldn’t deal with it for one more second. The blue eyes that were once shining with joy and happiness were now dull and empty.

He would let a smile appear on his lips every now and then, but Izzy knew her brother enough to know that they weren’t real smiles and Alec was only doing so to try to convince people around him that his heart wasn’t actually breaking.

Of course, they had confronted Alec about it. Izzy knew she couldn’t even imagine the pain her brother was going through, but she wasn’t going to keep standing at a distance and let him break himself more. Jace was mostly with her when she tried to talk to Alec, but not even his  _parabatai_  could convince him to eat, sleep, or stop sulking.

So, Izzy and Jace started to act attentive around him. They wouldn’t mention anything about Magnus or any other warlock. They wouldn’t press him much about his health, but still make sure that Alec was eating and sleeping as much as he can.

They were doing fine. Well, as fine as they could after a devastating breakup. And Izzy was even thinking that they had made a small progress. But her hopes shattered and she realized how wrong they had been, when Alec threw himself in front of a demon, and almost got killed while saving his  _parabatai_.

 

It was supposed to be an easy hunt.

All they knew while leaving the Institute was that there was some demon activity around a mundane hotel, which wasn’t anything too dangerous or hard for them to handle. They hadn’t even thought there would be more than a few demons, which led only Jace, Izzy and Alec leave the Institute for the hunt.

What they hadn’t expected was the hotel turning out to be a nest of demons.

Jace and Isabelle dove right into the fight while Alec called the Institute for backup and looked around for a high point where he could shoot his arrows. He settled in standing on top of some dumpsters, nocking his arrows and shooting demons without thinking. The only thing that mattered to him was keeping his siblings out of harm’s way.

Before their backup could come though, Alec ran out of arrows.

It was one of the worst feelings in the world, to reach back to his quiver to grab an arrow, only for his hand to close around empty air. He let out a curse, not caring if anyone heard him or not, and jumped down the dumpster, taking his seraph blade out at the same time.

He whispered the Angel’s name and the blade came to life with a shining white light, enlightening the darkness along with his siblings’ blades. Alec swung his weapon and stabbed the first demon he saw; he turned back to attack another, even before the previous one shrank back to its dimension.

Things were going better than he had expected at the moment. They were keeping up with the demons and giving enough time for other Shadowhunters to arrive. Alec couldn’t determine for how long they had been fighting before everything turned upside down.

There was a Raum demon, trying to sneak up on his siblings by climbing to the edge of a high windowsill and jumping on them. He didn’t know what made this demon more clever than others.

Alec didn’t even think.

It was something they had learned in their training: to act on their instincts when they were in a fight. And when it combined with Alec’s will to protect Isabelle and Jace, he found himself jumping between the demon and his siblings. He didn’t fight back, didn’t try to kill the demon. He just used his body as a shield between them, his seraph blade was discarded long ago before jumping.

The rest was in a blur.

He had felt every second of it as the demon’s claws dug his into chest, causing an excruciating pain to envelop his body.

He didn’t scream. Not when his chest was clawed open, nor when he fell down and hit his head to the ground, hard.

Alec could barely hear Isabelle’s screams or focus on her face which appeared right before his eyes. His eyelids felt too heavy, and he wanted to sleep. He wanted to fell into unconsciousness and never feel a thing. But Isabelle was keeping him away from slipping. She was shouting near his ear and her hands were pressing hard onto his chest, thus the pain was keeping the blackness that threatened to cover up his vision away.

Alec thought he could hear series of footsteps reaching them and tried to smile in relief. The other Shadowhunters had arrived, they would deal with the demons, and they would keep his siblings safe.

Izzy and Jace would be safe.

His senses were fading in and out rapidly, making his head spin and the pain in his chest unbearable. This time, however, he couldn’t notice when his  _parabatai_  sat next to him on his knees and wiped away the blood that had trickled down his lips. His siblings’ voices and the sound of fighting around them were mixing into each other, filling Alec’s head along with a constant buzzing. He closed his eyes slowly. Maybe if he slept, the pain would go away. Maybe if he blacked out, he wouldn’t be hurting when he woke up.

Though, Alec knew that it wasn’t true. The pain had never left or subdued any time he had woken up in his room at the Institute, after his breakup with Magnus.

He didn’t bother to remind himself that  _that_  was emotional pain, not physical one. They were both the same in his mind when he was lying down on the ground, soaked in his blood. In both cases, he was suffering and he deserved it.

 

“Alec! ALEC!” Isabelle’s shouting passed Alec’s ears unheard. “Don’t you dare to die on me! Alexander Gideon Lightwood! Don’t you dare!” Her left hand was pressing on the wound on her brother’s chest, while her other hand was shakily holding her stele, trying to draw an  _iratze_  on his skin.

Jace was sitting on the other side of Alec, etching Mendelin and Amissio runes on his  _parabatai_ ’s skin. But the runes were fading out as soon as they were drawn onto the skin.

“Demon venom,” Jace hissed out, stating what Isabelle was thinking. “The runes are not going to work.” He raised his head to look at his adoptative sister’s tear filled eyes. “We have to get him back to the Institute and call Silent Brothers.”

Isabelle nodded her head, but the words seemed to fall on deaf ears. She kept sitting on the ground and trying to draw a healing rune on her brother.

“Isabelle!” Jace had to shout over the sounds of fight to get her focus on him. “Isabelle, it’s not working! We have to get him to the Institute! Let me carry him!”

As soon as the girl’s hands left Alec’s body, Jace picked him up and swallowed his grunt when the elder boy came too heavy to his tired arms. But it wasn’t the time to think about Jace’s discomfort.

The blond Shadowhunter had never thought he could be grateful to the fact that a demon nest was just a few streets away from the Institute. Jace ran down the streets with Alec in his arms and Izzy following them close behind. He was thankful that they had glamoured themselves before the fight.

When they reached the Institute, Jace barged in through the doors and rushed towards the infirmary. He laid Alec on one of the beds carefully as the boy grunted in pain, and tried to find the phone at the infirmary to call Silent Brothers.

He raised his head to look at Isabelle, who was already watching him, and gave her a knowing look. Jace didn’t need to voice his thoughts for the girl to understand. She nodded her head and flew out of the room to get her phone.

Isabelle walked down the hall to find a partially quieter space and dialed the number while her mind was still at her brother, who was losing too much blood too quickly.

The phone rang one more time before the voice of the man came through the speaker.

“Isabelle,” said Magnus. His voice sounded tired and irritated, not that Isabelle cared about it. “I thought I made myself clear when I said that I was tired of you all calling me when-”

“Shut up, and listen to me, you glittery twat.” Isabelle spat out. She didn’t have time for Magnus’ arrogance, and nor did Alec. “I don’t know how you have been doing since your breakup with Alec; you could have been sleeping with a different person every night for all I know. And I know that Alec had made some big mistakes, but don’t you dare act like it was all his fault, when you don’t know what he’s been through for the past five weeks.

“The guilt is eating him alive, and he had never slept or eaten properly for at least three weeks. By the Angel, he even started to fight so careless in demon hunts!” Isabelle heard a sharp intake of a breath from Magnus, but it didn’t stop her from continuing to talk, not giving time to the warlock to talk.

“And now, he’s lying almost dead in the infirmary. His body is not accepting runes because of demon poison and his chest is clawed open, and…” She took in a shaky breath and her voice cracked with her next words. “And there is so much blood, Magnus. You  _need_  to help him. I don’t care if you have already forgotten him and moved on; but I swear to Angel, Magnus Bane, if you don’t get your ass here, and let Alec die, I’ll rip you heart out the second I-”

Magnus’ voice cut through before she could finish.

“I’m coming.” His voice sounded cracked, shaky and full with horror. The call ended before any of them spoke again, and Isabelle ran back to the infirmary, back to her brother.

Alec was a mess.

His chest was heaving with rapid and shallow breaths, and he was moaning in pain as if every breath was burning his chest. (Isabelle guessed that it probably did.) His blood-soaked jacket and shirt were already cut and taken off. And now, Isabelle could see the wound better, even though there was still so much blood on him.

His gashes were still bleeding and the blood was turning the white sheets beneath him into crimson red. Alec’s hands and face were caked in blood and dirt, causing his black locks of hair to stick onto his forehead. His face was already pale and looked sickly gray, while his lips and eyelids were getting dark purple, almost black.

Isabelle wanted to run out of the room. She wanted to wake up from this nightmare, to knock on Alec’s door and assure herself that he was safe. It was unbearable for her to see her dearest brother laying half-dead on the bed.

She didn’t though. She couldn’t…

Alec needed her right now, and she wasn’t going to let him down. He would’ve done the same for her. She took her place on Alec’s side and grabbed the clean cloth Jace was holding out to her. Isabelle started to clean the blood off of her brother’s chest to see the real damage.

It wasn’t long before the infirmary’s doors banged open and Magnus Bane rushed next to Alec’s bed. Isabelle saw his eyes widening in horror and sadness as he saw the situation Alec was in, but there was something else in his eyes too. Anger, maybe?

She pushed the thought away, now wasn’t the time.

“Out,” ordered Magnus to Jace and Isabelle, and she didn’t even waste a second before answering.

“No!”

The warlock’s gaze turned from Alec to Isabelle before he spoke again. This time his voice was softer, but still commanding.

“I can’t do my job when you two are around me, Shadowhunter. Taking the venom out requires my undivided concentration, and I won’t risk it by keeping you here.”

Isabelle opened her mouth to protest, but Magnus’ pleading voice didn’t let her. “Please, Isabelle.”

She looked at Jace for approval and when the blond nodded his head, she stood up from her position. Isabelle walked towards the doors, but not before stopping by the warlock first.  “Heal him,” she said, as if she was ordering, as if there wasn’t any other option for Magnus.

She didn’t wait for his answer and walked out of the infirmary, shutting the doors closed after her.

 

“Oh, Alexander,” Magnus tried to blink away the tears pooling in his eyes. “What did you do to yourself? What have I done to you?”

He wiped the tears that were about to fall and closed his eyes only for a second to lock his thoughts away. He had to focus and save his Alexander.

With a snap of his fingers all the blood on the wounded boy’s body disappeared, revealing three parallel gashes to Magnus’ eyes. He took a sharp breath and grimaced involuntarily. The warlock conjured up his magic in his palms and started to heal Alec. Every passing second the poison was spreading through his body, and Magnus had to be quick.

When it came to healing, Magnus was never as good as Catarina. In the back of his mind he considered calling her to the Institute, but dismissed the thought when he remembered that Cat was on a vacation in Miami. Magnus let the blue sparks flew through his fingers into Alec’s body, knitting the skin and slowing the blood loss while drawing the demon venom out.

The Shadowhunter’s eyelids were fluttering, and Magnus could tell that his eyes were moving rapidly behind them. His face was scarily pale and his lips were almost dark purple. Alec’s hands were twitching and he was taking in sharp breaths as the warlock’s blue magic was covering his whole body.

Magnus’ breath was hitching and his heart was nearly stopping every time Alec was letting a cry out. He felt like his heart was breaking into pieces while watching Alec,  _his_  Alec, hurting and in immense pain. But he knew that the pain in his chest was nothing compared to the one Alec was feeling. Magnus could feel his magic flowing through Alec’s body, draining the warlock’s energy along with it. He had to stay awake. If he fell unconscious because of exhaustion, it would be no good for Alec, and all of his effort to save him would go to waste.

“Come on, Alexander,” Magnus was murmuring the words between the spells without being aware of it. “Just hang on for a little while longer.”

He lost the track of time as he continued healing Alec: stopping the bleeding, pulling the venom out, knitting the skin… The infirmary was glowing with blue light as Magnus’ magic was now lightening almost the whole room up. Some of the sparks were floating in the air, disappearing as soon as touching a surface. The room was almost silent now, except for Alec’s raging breaths, the crackling sound of Magnus’ magic, and the spells he was murmuring. Magnus’ panic had almost subdued,  _almost_.

He had gotten most of the demon venom out of Alec’s system and only healing skin has left. With all the power left in him, Magnus focused on the deep cuts across Alec’s chest. He was almost done when the Shadowhunter let out a scream of pain, and the warlock was certain that everyone in the Institute heard it.

Magnus had not realized that he was crying until tears fell down from his cheeks to drop on Alec’s body. He sniffled and turned his head slightly to his side, wiping away his tears with his shoulder.

When he was done, the warlock’s legs almost gave out and he stumbled to the nearest chair; pulling it next to Alec’s bed, before slumping on it.

On the contrary to just minutes ago, Alec’s breathing was slow and steady now. His wounds were mostly healed and there were only three parallel scars left, which were mixing with the Shadowhunter’s old scars from battles. His bleeding had stopped long ago and his body was clean of blood, ichor and dirt. The color was coming back to his face and Magnus could see the pink that he adored tinting Alec’s face once again.

As he leaned back in his chair, drained of energy and magic but his eyes never leaving Alec, the reality of the situation struck Magnus in full force. Now that he didn’t need to keep his thoughts away in order to concentrate, his mind started to think about the events that had occurred just an hour ago.

Alec had almost died.

Magnus had almost lost him,  _again_.

He couldn’t recall everything Isabelle had told him on the phone, but he remembered enough to know that he was the actual reason behind Alec’s pain. He remembered Isabelle telling him that Alec wasn’t eating, wasn’t sleeping, wasn’t even acting like himself; that he became careless in hunts, that he acted like it didn’t matter whether he lived or died…

Magnus released a shaky breath and wiped the tears that were once again falling down his cheeks with the back of his hand. He pulled his chair closer to Alec’s bed and took his pale hand gently in his.

“I’m so sorry, Alexander,” he murmured quietly, as if he was scared that the Shadowhunter would wake up violently if his voice was louder. “You have been in so much pain, I didn’t know.” His voice cracked and he lifted Alec’s hand to gingerly leave a kiss on his knuckles. “I’m so sorry, Alexander. I truly am.”

 

When Alec tried to open his eyes, his eyelids felt too heavy and rejected to obey his command. With his vision swimming in darkness, he opted for focusing on the sounds around him and tried to understand what was going on.

His mind felt fuzzy and the voices sometimes sounded too far away, but in a moment of clearness Alec could make out Izzy’s voice and- Wait, was she crying? What would she cry for?

He tried to think of what had made her little sister cry, but before he could gather his thoughts his head started to hurt with an immense pain. And before he knew it, Alec blacked out once again.

 

The second time Alec came to his consciousness, he was able to crack open his eyes. But the room was too bright for him, so he blinked his eyes rapidly against the light.

Though, even when he thought he had gotten used to the brightness in the room, his vision was still blurry. He could hardly make out the mop of blond hair on his right, or the person on his left who seemed to have dark hair which was sparkling. With his hazy mind, Alec tried to think of every person he knew who had sparkling dark hair. No Shadowhunter in the Institute had that feature and if he wasn’t a Shadowhunter… There was only one man in his mind, but to Alec, it seemed impossible for him to be here. He didn’t have any reason to be near Alec.

“Magnus…”

The Shadowhunter wasn’t aware of mumbling out the warlock’s name. He wasn’t aware of the surprise, and then hope taking over Magnus’ features when he heard Alec calling his name; nor was he aware of Magnus’ hand caressing his cheek gently, tucking away a strand of hair that fell on his eyes, and the comforting words he was whispering right next to his ear. Because the blackness had already started to creep up into his vision and Alec found himself falling into darkness.

 

This time, when Alec woke up for the third time, the room wasn’t bright like it had used to be. Instead, it was almost pitch black, save for the moonlight spilling inside from the long windows and the candles brightening the room in a soft, orange glow.

The Shadowhunter blinked his eyes a few times to clear his vision, and when it did, he tried to look around the room to get an idea about what had happened. He had a nebulous memory of hearing Isabelle crying, and Isabelle  _never_  cried.

As soon as he tried to lift his head, pain erupted from the back of his head to the rest of his body. He had to grit his teeth to stop a cry from leaving his lips, but it looked like he wasn’t really successful about suppressing the sound.

A head that was resting near Alec’s left hand, which he hadn’t noticed until now, shot up swiftly when Alec moved. Even with the dimmed lights in the room, Alec knew whom that head belonged to as soon as he saw his eyes. His pupils were dilated and his eyes looked tired and broken, but despite all, they looked as beautiful as always to Alec. The candle next to the bed was casting a warm light on his face, making him look much younger, and the flames looked like they were dancing in his eyes.

Alec couldn’t help the furrow appearing between his brows. Why was he here? What was he doing next to Alec? The Shadowhunter had hurt him and the warlock didn’t want to see his face ever again. What was Magnus even doing in the Institute?

Alec opened his mouth to talk but he started to cough violently without letting a word out. And then, the pain in his chest made itself noticeable. He held his breath and tried to stay as still as possible. Maybe it would help to decrease the pain, or at least, make it bearable.

When the pain subdued enough to only be felt as a tingle, Alec opened his eyes which he didn’t remember of closing. There was a delicate glow of soft, blue light around the room. Alec had a vague idea of where it had come from, but his mind still couldn’t wrap around that idea. Every ounce of doubt he had, however, disappeared when he heard the voice he was longing to hear for five long weeks.

“Alexander?”

He ripped his gaze away from the ceiling to look into the green-gold eyes that he was in love with.

“Magnus...?” His voice was barely above a whisper and it cracked while saying his name. “Why are you here?”

Alec couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment when Magnus’ eyes filled with shock and disbelief and sadness. Instead of answering, the warlock reached out to a cup of water and handed it to Alec. While the Shadowhunter was sipping from his drink, Magnus’ voice cut through the moment of silence. He was avoiding Alec’s question.

“Do you remember what happened?” Magnus’ voice sounded so hurt that Alec immediately tried to gather his thoughts to tell him what had happened. But then, memories rushed back to him, shattering any kind of sentence he had formed in his mind. The hunt, the demons, the pain, his siblings fighting, blood, so much blood…

“Izzy… Jace! Are they-” Alec tried to get up from the bed, ignoring the pain, but Magnus stopped him by pushing his shoulders back to the mattress.

“Shh… They are fine, Alec. None of them is hurt.” Magnus’ voice gave Alec reassurance, even if he didn’t notice it, and he sank back into the bed, letting out a sigh in relief.

There was another moment of silence. Magnus’ hand was playing with Alec’s hair absent-mindedly and the feeling was so soothing that the Shadowhunter could fall asleep right then and there. Suddenly, the fact that they still needed to talk about the elephant in the room struck him.

“Magnus?” asked Alec and moved away from Magnus’ hand, ignoring the hurt look his action caused on the warlock’s face. “Why are you here?”

He tried to sound firm in order to prevent Magnus from noticing how broken he was inside, but even to his own ears he sounded like he failed. He swore to himself mentally for being so weak.

Magnus didn’t seem to be notice any of it, though. He had an expression on his face that Alec couldn’t put his finger on, but he guessed it was something between disbelief and pain. “Why am I here?” he exclaimed with a surprised tone in his voice. Then, his voiced fell into a soft tone as if it was capable of hurting Alec physically. “Alexander…” He trailed off slowly and drew his hand back from Alec’s bed to rest it on his lap. Alec wanted to reach out to grab his hand in his and find comfort in their touching skins.

“You almost died,” he continued, “Isabelle called me and told what happened. I couldn’t just lay back in my loft and ignore her while you were in pain. I couldn’t hurt you more… I couldn’t lose you again.”

Alec stared at Magnus with wide eyes, mouth agape in shock. Was this real? Or was he still dreaming?

He wanted to say a lot of things, but the words didn’t seem to register into his mind correctly. There was only one question he could let out: “Why not?”

“ _Why not?!_ ” Magnus huffed in disbelief and threaded his hand through his hair, making the remaining glitter fall around. “Alec, how can you even ask that? Why would you even think that I wouldn’t move a single finger while you were at the brink of death?” His voice was sharp, but Alec could sense the tenderness in it.

He shrugged his shoulder as smooth as he can without wincing in pain, and darted his eyes away from the warlock. “I’d deserve it.”

“Wha-” Alec didn’t let Magnus finish.

“I’ve hurt you so much, Magnus. Even more than anyone can imagine. And now, I don’t deserve you to come here and take away  _my_  pain. I don’t deserve your healing.”

His gaze was still locked on the blanket over him and he didn’t tear his eyes away, not even when he heard Magnus stand up from his chair.

He was walking away from Alec, again; he was leaving Alec alone, once again, with his broken heart. He had finally realized that Alec was not worth fighting for, that he was a disappointment, that he-

The Shadowhunter’s thoughts disappeared when he felt the bed dip next to him, and he raised his head quickly to look at Magnus with shock and disbelief. (And also, with a little bit of hope, which he didn’t know where it came from.)

“Oh, my Alexander…” Magnus’ voice had sounded so tender that Alec couldn’t help the shiver shooting down to his spine. He felt the long, delicate fingers curling under his chin, forcing him to look at the warlock directly in his cat eyes. “Listen to me carefully, now, okay?”

Alec nodded slowly without thinking.

“Whatever you are thinking about yourself, forget it.” Magnus’ other hand came up to caress the Shadowhunter’s cheek, lightly. “I love you, alright? I still do, I’ve never stopped loving you. Yes, you’d hurt me by not talking to me about Camille or my immortality, but you’re not the only one to blame in our breakup, Alec. I should’ve been more open to you, I shouldn’t have kept my past away from you and avoid talking about it. I caused our breakup as much as you did, and I’ve hurt you equally. You can’t blame yourself for everything, Alexander. Not everything is your fault. I can’t let you do that to yourself, and I won’t.

“You deserve the world, sayang, and I’m willing to give you everything I can. That includes my past  _and_  my present, if you are still willing to have me.”

By the end of his talk, both of Magnus’ hands were cradling Alec’s face in between and his thumbs were caressing his cheekbones.

_No_ , Alec thought. Magnus wasn’t just fondling his cheeks.  _He was wiping away his tears._

The Shadowhunter couldn’t remember when he started crying, but a quiet sob left his lips as if to bring the fact to his awareness. Before he could think, Alec was collapsing into Magnus’ arms.

His forehead was resting on the warlock’s shoulder and his fingers were clutching to his crimson shirt with a tight grip. His body was shaking with heavy sobs and his tears were soaking Magnus’ shirt, but Alec couldn’t help it. It was as if his body was acting in its own control.

“I’m sorry.” Alec whispered between the sobs. He could only hope that his voice was high enough for Magnus to hear. “I’m so sorry, Magnus. I didn’t mean to hurt you so much; it was all my fault. I’m so sorry.”

“Shh…” whispered Magnus. One of his hands was stroking Alec’s back soothingly, while the other was threaded through his raven locks, massaging his scalp to calm him down. Magnus’ lips were pressed next to his ear, and he was murmuring comforting words in a soft voice. “Don’t cry, cantik. Shh… It’s okay, now. I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere. Please, darling, don’t cry. Shh… I can’t bear the thought that I am the reason why your beautiful eyes are looking so sad.  _I am_  sorry, sayang.”

Alec just shook his head. He couldn’t form the words, nor believe that Magnus was  _truly_  here. So, he kept holding on to him. And if this was a dream, Alec never wanted to wake up.

 

When his sobs finally died down, Alec didn’t move away from Magnus, but his grip on the warlock loosened.

After a while of silence, which had passed with both of them calming down by listening each other’s steady breaths, Magnus tried to pull his hands back from Alec’s body to be able to lean back and look at his face. But he couldn’t look into the beautiful blue eyes as he desired.

Because as soon as he moved an inch away from him, the Shadowhunter’s tight grip was back on his shirt and he was pressing himself closer to Magnus’ body. The warlock could swear that he heard Alec whimper, and the sound made his heart break into million pieces as if it was still possible for his heart to break any more.

“I’m here, Alexander,” Magnus whispered. He pressed his cheek to Alec’s black locks and ran his hand through them. “I’m not going anywhere, darling. I promise.”

The blue eyed boy gave a weak nod, but didn’t move away quickly. Instead, he pressed himself closer to Magnus for a second, and then, he let his grip loosen as he pulled back. They didn’t lean back far away from each other, though. Their bodies were still tangled, but there was just enough space between them to let green-gold eyes meet deep blue.

Just like he had done before, Magnus settled his hands on either side of Alec’s neck, his thumbs brushing softly against his cheeks and the line of his jaw. The younger boy’s hands were still in the same place. But now, one of his hands was sprawled open on Magnus’ shirt and was resting above his heart instead of gripping the clothing.

Alec had always found comfort in Magnus’ heartbeat. It was different from the others’: slower, steadier... Whenever Alec had the opportunity to listen his heartbeat, he would feel calmness surge through him; it would remind him how lucky he was to have  _this_ , to have  _Magnus_. He would feel like his feet were always shaking before, but now they had settled on a steady ground.

This time, however, it reminded him what he had lost, and held the promise of  _him_  being next to Alec to brighten his future.

He took a deep breath.  “I-I…” Alec tried to come up with something to say and prevent Magnus to see his struggle, but the warlock beat him to it. Alec had forgotten that he could never hide anything from the glittery man.

“Shh,” He placed a finger over Alec’s lips, effectively stopping him from talking. “It’s okay, Alexander. You don’t have to say anything.” Magnus didn’t look disappointed in Alec’s lack of words. If anything, he almost looked fond of it.

Alec nodded his head at Magnus’ words, but then shook his head quickly when he changed his mind. Those three words were dying to be let out since the first moment Alec saw Magnus’ face illuminated by the candlelight, and he didn’t think he could keep it any longer.

“I love you,” he whispered. There was no hesitation or stammering in his voice (which was something he was proud of) and he had spoken the words as if he was stating a fact. Like it was the unchanging truth in this world, and no one could make him believe otherwise.

Alec wasn’t expecting Magnus to say these words back. He would have understood if Magnus didn’t tell him that he loved Alec. No matter what the warlock had said before, Alec would have understood if Magnus didn’t love him anymore. He had hurt Magnus; he didn’t deserve him to love Alec back.

It seemed like it was Magnus’ aim to keep surprising Alec (and make him feel loved) because when the next words left his lips, Alec let out a small gasp involuntarily and hope blossomed in his chest.

Magnus’ voice was low, soft and unwavering; there weren’t an ounce of hesitation or regret.

“I love you, too, Alexander.”

Alec would never get tired of hearing his full name from Magnus. He had a different accent that Alec couldn’t put his finger on, but he loved and adored it. His name sounded different coming out from Magnus’ lips; his voice was smooth as velvet, filled with love, and there was a hint of tilt to the vowels.

“I- I’m…” Alec’s throat felt tight and he noticed tears burning the back of his eyes. He wanted to say something, anything, but not a single word came out. His eyes left Magnus’ for a second to look at his lips, and when he lifted his eyes back to the warlock’s face, there was a tiny smile playing at the corner of Magnus’ lips.

Alec traveled his hand upwards and rested it on the side of Magnus’ neck. He could still feel his heartbeats under the pads of his fingers, his middle and ring finger resting on his pulse-point, his thumb stroking along the line of his jaw. Alec leaned in cautiously, not wanting to disturb Magnus by doing something he didn’t want to. His blue eyes never left the cat-like ones, he was ready to pull back the second he sensed discomfort on the warlock’s face.

The Shadowhunter stopped when their lips were hairbreadths away from each other. It was all his courage had allowed him to do. He was terrified to do more, to lean in closer, to press his lips against Magnus’ and kiss him like he longed to do for weeks.

His mind was screaming for him to close the gap, but with every passing second, Alec could feel the dread and horror filling up his mind. Maybe he was wrong, maybe this was a mistake, maybe Magnus didn’t want to kiss Alec anymore, maybe-

Magnus’ lips against Alec were soft and warm, just like he had remembered. He could taste the hint of strawberry flavored lip-balm that he adored from his lips, and he shuddered at the memory of Magnus buying the exact lip-balm just because Alec liked it.

Their kiss was slow, grounding, but also desperate. Both of them had felt like they’ve been through Hell and back when they were away from each other, and now, their kiss held the promise of a brighter future, together.

Alec could taste the salt of tears mixing into their kiss and could feel Magnus’ tears falling down his cheeks to Alec’s fingers, but neither of them cared. The tears were falling because of happiness this time, and both of them were feeling like they couldn’t be any happier or fell any more loved when they had each other.

After what felt like hours, Magnus pulled back halfheartedly and rested his forehead against Alec’s. They stared into each other’s eyes in silence as they tried to regain their raged breaths. Magnus swiped his thumbs under Alec’s eyes to wipe the remaining tears away. “It’s okay now, darling,” he said when Alec looked like he could break into crying again. “I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere. I promise. We’ll be okay.”

“I love you, Mags.” Alec whispered once more, like he needed to convince him. Magnus smiled lightly at the nickname and gave a short peck to Alec’s lips before answering.

“Aku cinta kamu, cantik.”

In that moment, in the dimly lit infirmary of the Institute, as the flames were dancing in Magnus’ shining eyes and the warlock was looking at Alec with all the love in the world, Alec chose to believe him. Now, they had each other, and they would be okay; they would get through everything, together.

“And that changes everything.”


End file.
